How to Reignite the Flame

Are you in a long term relationship of 3 or more years and struggling to keep the fire of passion alive with your partner?

For most couples, feeling sexy, passionate, excited, inspired, moved, and touched by their partner is a challenge after a while. The partner becomes too familiar… too close… too well-known… and nothing new to discover.

Passion requires “otherness.”

That’s why for so many partners it is tempting to be unfaithful; because in the newness of another is this “otherness” and passion is present again.

But for many good reasons, unfaithfulness isn’t an option. If the couple chooses to go the tantric route of “togetherness,” then there must be a shift in context and perception as well as a shift in the way they relate to each other.

But if you desire to stay monogamous, over time you will inevitably be faced with the challenge of losing “otherness.” And with it goes passion.

Of course, a holiday to an exotic new place can solve the problem momentarily. But once you return home, you will be confronted again.

A romantic relationship has 3 phases: Eros, Venus, and Agape.

In Eros we fall in love. The other is still “other” and we are blown away by the feelings of excitement, discovery, newness, and adventure. That magical honeymoon phase, however, eventually comes to an end.

The end of Eros is the beginning of Venus. The “Venus phase” gets its name from Venus, the Roman goddess of love, beauty, surrender, and enchantment, as well as her husband Mars, god of war, domination, and power. Given the polarity that these two deities represent, it comes as no surprise that in the Venus phase couples are forced to confront aspects of their partner that are challenging. This marks the beginning of power struggles. Arguments are more frequent and more heated, disappointments become more commonplace, and resentment begins to surface. Most couples do not make it successfully through the Venus phase. But those who do get rewarded with the third phase.

Agape is divine love, in which the partners are in a permanent and heightened state of consciousness, having transcended all shadows and all psychological and emotional challenges. If a couple reaches this stage, they see one another as true companions and confidantes with a rock-solid bond of respect and mutual trust. That sounds great, but what of the fire they felt in the beginning? Can that steady and slow-burning glow of love ever be fanned into a fiery blaze again?

The good news is that passion can always be rekindled, no matter how long it has been since the honeymoon. However, if you want passion in a long term relationship you must look for it within.

What in you is on fire? What is your heart burning for? You must find the source of your passion, not the triggers.

Traveling to the core of your aliveness and the passion within will inevitably set you on a journey of self-discovery and self-realization. Once you find the source–your eternal well of inspiration, aliveness, and passion–you will be liberated from looking for triggers in circumstances, people, ideas, or anything else outside of yourself.

When you are connected to your own source of passion, you will inspire your partner simply by your Being to travel to their own inner source of passion. And when both partners are the source of their own passionate fires, you need never again worry about losing that “spark” between you.

So how do you travel to your inner well of passion?

First, you need to place yourself into a “ground zero” state by eliminating all obligations, habits, and beliefs you have about your relationship and about life in general. It can be uncomfortable in this space of the unknown, but you must be willing to linger in it. In fact, this is the “otherness” within yourself.

Do you see the parallel? If “otherness” is the prerequisite for passion in a relationship with another, why should it be any different in the relationship you have with yourself?

Although the “ground zero” state may be scary, inconvenient, and unknown, when you create “otherness” in yourself you inexorably experience the flame of passion arising.

From there you can very slowly emerge, maintaining your relationship to the magic of the unknown. You could also call it innocence of the mind.

With such a mind, your perception of your familiar partner changes. You begin to see them not from the perspective of the past but in the present moment – almost like new. And that is the secret to maintaining a passionate relationship that is evergreen.

With love,  Marc