Intimacy – The Magic Potion
The word “intimacy” can conjure up many false concepts because it is often confused with sex. In fact, the true meaning of intimacy is to be deeply and fully connected without any separating thoughts or distance-creating emotions like fear, shame, or guilt.
You can have intimacy without sex, and you can also have sex without intimacy. Unfortunately, the latter is more common, as we see in most one-night stands, “friends-with-benefits” arrangements, substance-influenced encounters, and so on.
Intimacy very rarely shows up by chance. Generally, we need to consciously create the space for it by removing any agendas, fears, and worries, and allowing ourselves to go into free fall with the moment-to-moment happening.
Does that sound exciting? And at the same time, a little scary? Indeed, it can be quite terrifying because we never know what’s going to happen in the next moment!
It is here that we enter the holy land of surrender. Intimacy without surrender – total surrender – is just an illusion; an agenda in disguise, powered by desire.
To create the context for true intimacy to occur, several elements need to be in place.
The first element is safety. Both partners need to feel completely safe in the presence of the other and in the space in which the connection takes place. Only then can they allow themselves to be fully vulnerable without fear.
The second element is presence. If either partner is in their head – even just a little – intimacy is not possible. The mind always wants to control the situation which makes the voice in our head get very loud.
Never mind the mind. Instead, focus your energy on being present to your body, to your partner’s body, to your breath, to your partner’s breath, to your bodies’ movements, to your partner’s eyes, to what you can smell, to your heartbeat… Literally anything but giving attention to your thoughts or the voice in your head.
The third element is appreciation. Fully appreciate yourself as you are and your partner as they are in this very moment.
Do not attempt to change anything, nor expect or secretly wish that anything should be different than what it is. Practice undistracted appreciation of the present moment and what life has put in front of you right here and now.
If your mind is too judgmental, then start by pretending to appreciate. This may sound like a strange thing to do, but try it! You can rest assured that before you even realize it, the faked appreciation will become real.
The fourth and final element is vulnerability. You must allow anything that comes up to come up without resistance. Do not burden yourself with any expectation that you feel obligated to fulfill or with what you assume your partner wants you to be. Be empty and fully available to allow anything to show up.
If you get angry, allow that energy. Don’t fall unconscious and act on it – just allow it and share it with your partner. If you feel a sudden sadness, allow it. Share it. Cry if you feel the urge. But again, don’t fall unconscious and drown in a drama – just share.
In allowing and sharing while staying present and conscious, all these emotions move, pass, and purify the space. What is left is a naked, beautiful, incredible, empty space in which you will experience a communion with your partner that is not of this world.
It may take a couple of attempts to practice bringing all of these elements into the space of engagement with your partner.
Allow yourselves to be students and explorers, mutually on a mission to find the well of the magic potion.
And then, you will.
With love, Marc